Asperger’s and Empathy:
Why do you people believe we lack empathy?
I’ve been thinking about the common misconception that those with Asperger’s Syndrome do not have empathy; that we cannot be empathetic. It drives me crazy when I hear that those on the autism spectrum lack empathy because it simply is not true. In fact, I think autistics have more empathy than the general population; it just manifests itself differently.
Dictionary.com offers these two definitions:
Empathy (noun)
1. The intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.
2. The imaginative ascribing to an object, as a natural object or work of art, feelings or attitudes present in onself: By means of empathy, a great painting becomes a mirror of the self.
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The first portion of the definition begins intellectual identification, this is the way we identify with everything—through rote learning, using our intellect to figures things out. Are we not the picture of empathy if we are intellectually identifying with other’s feelings, thoughts and attitudes?
What about vicariously experiencing the feelings and attitudes of others? I actively avoid negative people who are constantly complaining whether it is a co-workers or family members. If someone comes to my house and is riled up, angry, miserable, and complaining, I almost immediately take on all those emotions. It is almost impossible for me to not be effected by their air of negativity to the point of me feeling angry and wanting to complain about things that were not bothering me before they showed up.
It is almost as if I can feel the air of emotions around them and they attached themselves to me. I don’t know too many other people who are as profoundly affected by the emotionally-charged air around them. I know that all people are affected to a degree, but it is the intensity of the feelings that I am referring to.
Usually, as soon as they leave or I remove myself from the onslaught of emotions, I can calm down and feel like myself again. Conversely, If I enter a social situation that is filled with positive energy and attitudes—a joyous occasion, I then feels those emotions.
Isn’t this a “vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another?” It absolutely is.
Can we see ourselves in other’s art, or writing? What about the second portion of the definition of empathy? The imaginative ascribing to an object, as a natural object or work of art, feelings or attitudes present in oneself.
How many times have you read a book, article, poem, or BLOG POST, and thought, wow…that is me! I have, I do, every day. For a long time, I had tremendous difficulty (before my diagnosis) finding mirrors of myself in the world. But all the while I was hopeless and desperately searching for those mirrors; searching for something or someone to actively empathize with!
Despite what the Empathy Quotient test, on which I scored an eight says, (Yes, you are reading correctly, I scored an eight!) I have a lot of empathy.
So why did I score so low? Why do others think that those on the autism spectrum lack empathy?
I think that once again it comes down to basic understanding. A writing professor at Southern New Hampshire University (SNHU) said something in his profile, which I read today.
“Education is more meaningful when students connect their own lives to the concept presented.” ~ Michael Brien, professor, SNHU
A light bulb went on.
Something about this statement made me say, “That is exactly what I am trying to say about Empathy!” I know—you’re scratching your heads and thinking, huh? What is this woman talking about?
When I watch or read the news (which I rarely do) and see tragic events, I think, like everyone else, that is awful! But, if the situation does not connect to my life in some way, I do not empathize (the vicarious experience of feelings kind) with those involved.
The situation is removed from me, and I move on with my day. I have seen others in tears, and emotional upheaval about something that, though tragic, had nothing at all to do with them. This is not said to be cold or unfeeling, but I simply don’t identify with the event or person.
In order for me to “feel” empathy, I must be connected. In order for their experience to have meaning to me, it must be connected to my life. In the example about the family member who visits my home where I take on their emotional state for a time, the key to that situation is that it was a family member. Strangers rarely have the same effect.
Empathy is an ambiguous word. After examining the definitions of empathy, I have determined that empathy is an ambiguous word (open to or having several possible meanings or interpretations) because obviously psychologists have a different interpretation of the word than either I, or the dictionary has.
I simply do not understand how missing social clues, facial expressions, and identifying subtle changes in people’s emotions have anything to do with empathy. These are the skills that the Empathy Quotient test evaluates. It “is intended to measure how easily you pick up on other people’s feelings and how strongly you are affected by other people’s feelings.”
I think that many of us may actually over-empathize with those around us. Could this be why we are so emotionally exhausted after social gatherings?
For me, I have to remove myself in order to get my own emotions back. I can usually only handle one friend, or one family member at a time. I think that it is possible that my ability to empathize also contributes to my sensory overload. Too many things, people, voices, and EMOTIONS are coming at me at the same time. My world starts to spin, my head starts to hurt, and it is time to go home.
What about books, movies, and music? Do you feel the character’s, actor’s, or musician’s emotions? For me, it depends. If I spend enough time with a book or more likely with a book series, I become attached to the characters like they are my friends, and then I emotionally empathize with their plights.
“I love my books, all my friends are in there.” ~ me
To this end, I even feel depressed and sorrowful when the books are through because my friends were in there, and now they are gone, the story is over.
Mary Wrobel, the author of Asperger’s and Girls, said,
“In order to gain self-understand, each person with—or without—autism needs to see his or her own reflection in the world.”
Isn’t this what we are doing when we search each other’s blogs—looking for our reflections? And when we find them, isn’t that the definition of empathy? When we read, we see feelings or attitudes present in ourselves.
We don’t lack empathy; we crave it!
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I score low on the empathy test also and I do feel I actually lack it because I don’t feel other peoples emotions. It makes me feel bad about myself. I can see bad things on the news and not be affected by it or someone can talk about their drama and I won’t feel anything. But yet if it was a random stranger coming at me and they start to talk about their drama and negativity, all I feel is uncomfortable. But my husband who also shows signs of autism according to several doctors, he can feel peoples feelings even if they don’t show it. It would be something for me to see how much he scores on the EQ test also. He also cannot watch Dr. Phil (my favorite TV show) because it upsets him too much. It’s rare if I feel something about people. But when it comes to old buildings, I feel it when they get torn down I had to unfollow a Facebook page because it was too upsetting seeing all these houses being torn down and it’s like I have empathy over buildings and houses?
The thing with empathy and autism is that we simply experiences it, like everything else, differently. When strangers come at me with way too much information and drama, I want to run, and feel VERY uncomfortable! But I also seem to be one of those people that everyone wants to tell very inappropriate personal sagas to, and I don’t understand it! I’m a stranger! LOL Ya know? I am not talking about online, or in email or comments like here, where THIS IS WHERE I WILL TALK about personal things, but I am talking about in the store, at school, in the post office??
I usually have to NOT read the news or watch it though because I can become overly empathetic, and then the experience or news never leaves me. I stress about, it upsets me and I dwell. For example, I saw a news article years ago about a child falling from a 5th floor window in NYC and I was living in an apartment building at the time. To this day, I am TERRIFIED that the kids will go near the window. This happens when I see things on TV too–I think it was a Law & Order episode where a 12 year old was in the front seat and was killed by the airbag during an (intentional) fender bender. To this day, I am TERRIFIED of the boys sitting in the front seat near that damn airbag…and my list of things like this goes on and on and on. So off with the news or I get upset and obsess.
However, when it comes to things like my mother’s constant saga and gossip about people I do not know or care about I cannot pretend to do so, so it seems like this “appearance” of the lack of empathy, is interspersed with over-empathy. And like your hubby, I can MANY TIMES feel emotions of others even when they don’t express it. Even when I can’t exactly identify I can often tell when something feels “off,” when there is something about someone that is not right, or they feel animosity toward us, or something. Perhaps, it is my brain really picking up on subtle clues that no one else does? But then there are other times, when I completely don’t get what is going on at all…I miss the clues, and am shocked by people’s behaviors. It is quite baffling.
Yes!! True u as pies crave Empathy..
If an Aspie is treated back the way they treat, WATCH OUT!!! EITHER U LOSE EM OR A HUGE STINK IS MADE OF IT!!! THERE IS NO LOYALTY…U COULDNT DO ENOUGH FOR AN ASPIE!!!! & STILL , BIG DEAL…THEY MOVE ON TO SUMPN ELSE ….EVEN IF ITS 10 STEPS BACK!!! SO WHAT, “who said anything about going forward anyway”…..ABSOLUTELY EXQUISITE IN ALL THAT THEY DO………if u like cats u will love an aspie!!! Same temperment!! Except aspies are not territorial & will run awaywithout a goodbye!!! & thru hearsay u may find the subjective Wtf reason as to Why!!!!! Insultingly Amazing!!!! Ull scratch Ur head for eternity!!! ……….just get a cat…..nah
Dogs are more Use full!!! 🙂
Your article was a revelation. I was surprised to get a 23 on the Empathy QT while I always had considered that I was extremely sensible to other people’s (and animals’) feelings. Your explanations fit a lot, I’m very sensible to people that I’m emotionally connected. Probably intentionally, I have emotionally disconnected from far/unknown people in order to reduce the emotional overload that would imply.
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This is such a thought-provoking post. As the parent of a girl with Aspergers I am constantly telling people that she is empathetic (often to the point of distress) and that this is something quite different to issues around social communication. Thank you for exploring the subject so well here.
Growing up I was always accused of not caring about other people’s feelings. It was entirely not true, I just did not show it the way others would expect. Frustrating. Unfortunately, no one noticed I had autism when I was a child, so there was no one there to help anyone else understand me–or to help me understand myself for that matter. Your daughter is lucky to have you to defend her and try to educate others. Thank you for reading and leaving your comments. I am finding it very encouraging when I get comments/feedback–thank you for that.
“I simply do not understand how missing social clues, facial expressions, and identifying subtle changes in people’s emotions have anything to do with empathy.”
Me either.
I think this idea is a lie made up by people too lazy to explain themselves properly and/or too arrogant to concede the fault in miscommunication may their own.
The trouble is, the world is so full of such lazy, arrogant, bad communicators that it’s the honest, straightforward ones who carry the label “disorder.”
I never could fathom why our honest and straightforward ways are actually a symptom of the “disorder.”
If you ask me, the world is in dis-order. They ask questions but don’t want answers. They lie and say it is to be polite. To me this is complete backwardness.
“It is better to be hurt by the truth, than comforted by a lie.” ~ Khaled Hosseini
Its cause if someone shows u back THE SAME BLUNT HONESTY OR MIRROR YOUR BEHAVIOUR, (u could possibly go ATOMIC) be honest now!!! :). We all would
Love to be closer to an aspire, & Lord knows we’ve tried……………..
I’m a dyslexic aspie with mild ADHD and can relate to so much of what you have written. I can’t watch or listen to the news at all. I find it will loop in my head in visual overlays and cause me terrible sleep problems as well as anxiety. It wasn’t like that before I had children, I was quite disconnected to the news and couldn’t place me into it. But I think my motherly instinct sees all potential danger and this world seems so terrifying when the only news is bad news and you can’t get it out of your head.
I also find myself tuning out into daydream land when people become negative. Of course I then look oblivious and like I don’t care. But it’s because I care too much and I know I will absorb their emotions and struggle to filter who is me out of the headmess.
Thanks for writing this down. I will share this post on my fb page. Love and hugs. xx 🙂
You make a good point here. I don’t remember being so anxious before I had the boys. I always was, but like you, now things will play over and over in my head, and I will worry about their safety. I am thinking this might just be “Mom stuff,” but honestly I am not sure. I just don’t see many other Mom’s as worried about everything as much as I am.
You are also not the first person who has mentioned daydreaming, or tuning others out and then appearing oblivious, or like you don’t care. I think this may be a way that we defend ourselves against the onslaught of emotions being slung at us.
My filters do not work. I can’t filter out background noise, more than one person’s voice talking at a time, or their emotions. Then the thoughts do get muddied and all mesh together. It’s dizzying at times.
I haven’t finished reading your post, but I wanted to comment on this line: ” It is almost as if I can feel the air of emotions around them and they attached themselves to me.” — That’s exactly how I feel! (and supposedly, I’m an NT, but who knows, right? My husband is the diagnosed Aspie — and he does not lack empathy, tho sometimes he does tune out).
Hi Elianna,
I think that all of us feel this to a degree at one time or another. Some of us, maybe more so, or more often–even if NT. I know what you mean about the tuning out too. Many times I do tune out, or at least try my best to, and this makes me “appear” cold and unfeeling, or uncaring. But, that is not the case.
I got a 10 on the EQ. 🙂 My empathy is weirdly shaped. In some situations I’ll be much quicker than others to empathize with a person, sometimes to the degree that I have to physically remove myself or risk getting overwhelmed. Other times, I’ll be completely clueless.
What you said about not being able to relate to situations that don’t affect you is something I really identify with. I remember going to a funeral for a classmate in high school and seeing girls who hardly knew here sobbing hysterically. It made no sense at all to me.
Empathy truly is a vague and shifting concept. I hate that it’s such a big measuring stick for those on the spectrum.
Another thing I’ve noticed is that it is all or nothing. I am either overly empathetic, which can be bad, or then I am a fixer so I try to fix things. Or, I don’t care at all. There never really is any middle ground.
People sometimes think I am heartless because I don’t care what is happening to the neighbor’s, sister’s, father’s ex-wife’s kids! I don’t know them, I didn’t ask about them, stop gossiping…this has nothing to do with empathy! LOL
My mother is constantly trying to tell me everything that is happening in her neighbor’s life. She wants me to care, I don’t, and I can’t get her to stop telling me all about it. So, she just thinks I just a mean nasty person.